Political Campaign

To All Candy Landers: Our Lives are Endangered

A Stranger Among Us
Three days ago, an anonymous marshmallow staffer of Candy Castle, reported to the Sweet Sheet that King Candy and Queen Frostine hosted a stranger to not just Candy Castle, but Candy Land itself. The stranger identified himself as a “dentist.” This so-called dentist was granted a tête-à-tête with our sterling and sublime sovereigns when he claimed to have urgent and critical information about the state of “health”—whatever that is—of our sweet, utopian land of all that is pretty, peaceful, and pleasing —a land that is truly a paragon of perfection.

This ill-mannered dentist insolently insisted that all the noble and good citizens of Candy Land must, for the sake of their “health,” stop eating not only candy but anything sugary! Adding insult to injury, the dentist also declared that we all must brush our teeth! Princess Lolly was so distraught at this point that she did something she had never done before: she cried. The Sweet Sheet is grieved to announce that upon her lamentation of the dentist’s truly outlandish and impudent injunctions she melted from her tears. Castle confectioners worked around the clock to remold her. Fortunately, she is currently cooling in the castle’s blast freezer and is expected to make a full recovery with an even glossier sheen than before.

The reporting marshmallow asked to remain unidentified because they feared this new and unknown villain. With the unthinkable notions the dentist afflicted upon on our wise leaders, who can say what the depths of his depravity are, and we thank, honor, and protect our brave marshmallow. We also don’t know if this dentist is working alone or not. Although the dentist was seen making his way through Licorice Lagoon after leaving Candy Castle, it is not now believed that he is in league with Lord Licorice, Candy Land’s perennial villain, since Lord Licorice is saccharine himself.

A Closer Look
But what of these draconian demands the dentist called for to stop eating sweets and to brush our teeth? Sugar Sheet sat down with head gingerbread girl, Jolly, to discover the implications of a cessation of sugar consumption and an imposition of tooth brushing. In short, Jolly explained, “Candy Land and all its people would collapse.” She went on to enumerate the horrors of such actions: Ice cream would melt, separate, sour, and eventually stink, defiling our rivers, streams, lakes, and Ice Cream Sea itself. Ice Cream Slopes would cease to exist, and then where would the Duke of Swirl and his gingerbread kids reside? If all Candy Landers abandoned sweets, we would be complicit in the demise of local artisans’ shops and in turn, their lives. Mamma Ginger Tree’s gingersnap shop would crumble if we neglected her glorious golden goodies. Mr. Mint’s Candy Cane Forrest would be overgrown since he would have no need to harvest any candy canes in the wake of a wide-spread sugar shunning. These are only a few of the examples Jolly foresaw of how Cand Landy would reach a point of proverbial—and perhaps quite literal—ignition and quickly burn down if it launched the dentist’s tyrannical subjugation.

A Call to Community
Candy Landers assembled on Cupcake Commons last night to share stories and council on action plans. Ever anxious to maintain the best quality of life for his fellow citizens and compatriots, King Candy participated in the Cupcake Commons council, to which he refers to now as King Candy’s Compassionate Collective Council, and spoke to all present, assuring that not ever in the past has an adversary or an adversity dissolved Candy Land’s sweet and tacky structure of life. “Remember,” our fearless leader said, “the Licorice-Peanut scandal when Lord Licorice wanted to expand Licorice Lagoon onto Peanut Acres to create peanut butter and licorice lollypops. Remember the cries of the Lollypop Guild over the corruption that such a mix would bring to their community, leaving a sweet but undesirable concoction. Remember how you and I together—stood together—and opposed the forces of evil. We did it then, together. And together, we can do it again.”

Our great man of courage, King Candy, also called to our minds the catastrophe of corn syrup spilled into Molasses Swamp. Who was it who took charge, instituted a corn syrup filter, and designated corn syrup dumping stations? Our careful King Candy. Who also was it who hired Grandma Gooey to oversee the right consistency of goo in our gumdrop paths? King Candy. And who was it who brought down Gloppy from Chocolate Mountain so he could make friends with all the marshmallows? King Candy. No doubt our fears are allayed and our sweet lives are safe—are better—when we put our trust in the honeyed hands of King Candy.

A Plea to Save
But to ensure this dentist does not take the sugar—our very lives—out of our mouths, King Candy implored us to do our duty as his fellow Candy Landers. “Live your life,” he said. “Deny the dentist. Deny his claims, his communication to you, his very existence—it’s the only way to save ourselves,” King Candy continued. “Sweets are for the soul,” he said, “and this dentist wants to end our sweets, canceling our very souls. We are our sugar and sweets, and we are worthy to exist—to have our sweets and not brush our teeth. It is our rights that the dentist wants to take away. But as we stand together in the right, we will maintain our rights.”

Last night’s King Candy’s Compassionate Collective Council proved once again that King Candy now and in the past is for—and a part of—us. He is always there, in the fight for right, standing alongside us. He truly is the head of a roundtable, proving that he is ours, that we are his, and that our trust in him is right. It’s up to us now, fellow Candy Landers, to preserve our lives by disburdening ourselves of the dastardly dentist. Stand in the right, together with King Candy. Deny the dentist your time; disregard his dangerous designs, and dispense with him entirely so you can save your sweet souls and live your lives.